Living Off Our Lies

I say it once, say it twice but it makes no difference to you,
Tears in my eyes as you apologies and I say that we're through,
You look at me, I look at you and you know that it's true,
You beg and you plead cause you know this is the end,
I cry and you lie and I take you back again,
We kiss and make up and it's just a matter of when,
I lay awake at night next to you seeing more clear,
Knowing I'm staying with you out of fear,
And I wonder how did we get from there to here,
We used to be full of love full of so much hope,
Now these days I can't seem to even cope,
I hold on to you as I try to stay afloat,
I know I should leave but instead I choose to stay,
Knowing I'd be better off if I just walk away,
But through all the black and white I can still see they grey,
Blinded by my love I always give you a second chance,
You don't deserve it, you don't even deserve a second glance,
But yet here we are again in our same old dance,
You pull and I push and you don't seem to care,
We fight and we argue as I lay my soul bare,
And then you do it over and over and I pretend that it's fair,
You walk out the door as I fall to the floor,
How did we get this way I can't even recognise us anymore,
And I just don't understand what we keep going for,
You can't even see what you've turned me into,
After everything that you have put me through,
I've lost all sight of what's even really true,
Look at the way I behave, the things to you I say,
I hate myself more and more after each passing day,
I'm so far gone you make me feel so ashamed,
And yet I still feel like it's all my fault,
Like because of me, I'm somehow responsible,
After everything I've done this is somehow reciprocal,
But I should be grateful I have you none the less,
Because when I'm with you I feel so truly blessed,
Out of every part of my life you really are the best,
It's so wrong but why does it feel so right,
I can't see past you when you're in my sight,
I'm so blinded I don't even see the knife,
You're more than aware of your power over me,
No matter how far I run you always seem to catch me,
And despite knowing this you still won't let me be free,
I know I'm self destructing the longer I stay with you,
I should leave but I just don't know how to,
I look at you and the door caught in a catch 22,
I always thought that we were in this together,
But really we're just stuck in this forever,
And I can't see this ever getting any better,
We've come so far living off our lies,
The further we go I don't think we can survive,
And in the end neither one of us will make it out alive.

Caught In A Catch 22

So I haven’t written in a long time. In the midst of things I got busy and I guess I forgot what was the point of it all. Truth be told I haven’t written anything since my last post. Not just on here but I haven’t even put pen to paper for a while. Maybe because I know that when I put pen to paper the truth always comes seeping out and even I know I’m in denial. What’s that saying, “ignorance is bliss”? In my case ignorance is just plain and simple ignorance and bliss seems so far away now. 

I spent so long trying to find myself after I had lost myself and now I’m fighting a battle if I should even keep myself. I never really knew much in life, I just sort of thought I had it all figured out or at least I will but I’m finding I’m learning new things everyday. They say people change and move on to bigger, better things but what if I change and I don’t like it? I wish I could just snap my fingers and go back to the way everything was before but even I know that’s a lie. 

Truth is I have changed and I’m not proud of it. I’ve found myself doing things I never thought I would do and going against every moral principle I believe in. Believed in, now seeming the appropriate word. I’ve always been a strong person but the realization that I’m weaker than I ever knew is crippling. And I feel as if I can’t move. There’s nothing I can do about it. Nothing I can do to change it. Nothing I can do to make it better.

 

This demotion of power has left me feeling paralysed and worse, helpless and hopeless. And there’s nothing more pathetic than that coming from the girl who thought she could take on the world. I used to be my own protection but now it seems I can’t even protect myself and the world is kicking my ass! It’s funny the advice I give to people is not always necessarily the advice I take myself. I always know the solutions to other people’s problems but can’t ever seem to solve any of my own. 

Life’s all about taking chances and risks, at least that’s what I preach but why is it now more than ever I remain in the safe zone, too afraid to move. Maybe it’s because I know if I even twitch a muscle, things could set in motion and those motions could reap permanent consequences. And once this happens, there’s no going back… but who says I want to?

THE MISSION

I never really thought my life was that interesting until I update someone else about it all and have them crying with laughter... So here goes my attempt at writing it all down. Really I just needed the motivation to write more on this blog and this is the perfect excuse to try. If I can manage this and life gets anymore interesting for me, I might make this a regular thing. We'll see...

So I have this friend, really good friend in fact, let's say for anonymity his name is Vic. So Vic recently got dumped, no nice way to phrase it but he got kicked to the curb. The break up was a complete surprise, one of those where the other person had a sudden wake up call and realised it's not the right time or they just don't want to be in this relationship anymore. Anyway, whatever the reason, it happened.

Two weeks after the break up, Vic sees newly-ex Sophie with another guy and starts jumping to conclusions. He recognises the guy as Sophie's friend who he met a few weeks back before the break up happened and instead of letting them be he decides to get his stalk on and follow them. Convinced there's something more going on between them and that 'the other guy' Sean is the reason for the break up, he spins a conspiracy theory that maybe there was something going on between them during his relationship with Sophie.

Now a normal person would have decided to confront her or just let this go but Vic... He's something else entirely. He decides on the secret agent route... I'm not kidding. So this is the mission... He wants me and our friend Jen to get close to Sean and find out all we can about him as well as what's going on between him and Sophie. Sean just happens to know some of our friends and acquaintances so it won't be difficult to bump in to him or to get an introduction. However, there's a list of people we need to avoid in order for this to work: Sophie obviously, some of our other friends that might end up blowing our cover by saying something, an obsessive ex, an 'I-want-to-be-more-than-friends' friend, a friend routing for the 'I-want-to-be-more-than-friends' friend and will destroy anyone who tries to get in the way, a jealous female, a relentless slut, the gossip and the fake friend looking to bring you down.

Apart from these, it should be a piece of cake! Who am I kidding, we are screwed!!

Before I had that drink...

I need a drink, I really do. But since I’m not in the mood to be in the company of others in preferably a bar and I’m not really the drinking alone at home type, I think I’ll stick to writing. Probably for the best anyway, I haven’t written on here in ages and what ever I am feeling will probably be heightened after a couple of drinks.

So what’s wrong with me today..? You ever been so sure of something, so certain, like nothing said or done could have convinced you otherwise. You knew in your heart of hearts that it was true, that it was right and that it was real. And then one day something happens and you stand corrected. Time passes and you begin to believe again, somehow things haven’t changed, making you question if you were wrong in the first place. You ever had to stand corrected twice?

Its funny how gullible us humans are. The most smallest hint of a doubt or certainty can set things in motion. We’re so ready and willing to believe, to follow, to be blinded and even when we’re faced with the cold hard truth we still can’t come to terms to comprehend it. To accept it. To learn from it and move on. Instead we continue to lie to ourselves, still so convinced we were right and what’s worse is that we still believe it. Still hold that hope for it even when everything tells us otherwise, shows us otherwise. We still have faith. On one hand its what makes us beautiful, but on the other its what makes us doomed.

Fuck it, I think I’ll have that drink.

KONY 2012 - IF YOU DO ANYTHING TODAY, SHARE THIS VIDEO!!

Most of us blog about our day, our lives, school, work, fashion, make up, art, music and so on.. But today, blog about something more important, more than us. Blog about KONY 2012 and spread the word! I don't have as many followers but some of you do, help make this difference. Not just on here but on your personal Facebook accounts, twitter etc. I usually don't care about these things or bother to share videos but for this I will, I hope you do too..

Coming home...

 

I’m sitting on the train at the train station, looking out at the platform and the people. The trains headed for the airport but my minds still back at my previous destination. My previous place, my previous address, my previous life. Memories replay in my mind, and I can’t shake it. We all move on by living out lives but I somehow feel like mines going to stand still.

I’m going home and as much as I welcome the thought I cant help but fell a slight feeling of dread. I love home and I need home, but its not always the place where I feel most settled. It used to but it hasn’t in a while. The people and the places I have come to love and feel the most familiar and safe with now feel the most farthest away every time I come home. The sense of security I used to have doesn’t feel as secure anymore. And my sense of direction and knowing who I am feels more lost than ever.

I always say I need to go home to get my head right but sometimes when I go home its not always the case.

I love home, I really do. But sometimes I feel more at home when I’m away, because I can be myself, when I’m home I feel like I loose myself making me question if I ever really knew who I was.

New years resolution..to open a can of worms?!

7 days too late but anyway.. New Years resolutions..? I don’t really make any because like so many others I don’t really keep them. In a perfect world I’m sure we would make big hopes and dreams for the New Year and actually work to our potential to achieve them and keep them. But things change and life doesn’t always work that way. I’m pretty sure whatever I wanted last year is no longer what I want anymore. Either I achieved it, changed my mind, or couldn’t be bothered to achieve it so I changed my mind anyway to suit my laziness. Oh well, shit happens I guess!

My friend once told me “how you start the year is what you're gonna be doing for the rest of the year", I sincerely hope that’s not true because for the most of us it’ll probably mean that we are gonna be wasted all year round. Let the good times roll!

Anyway I don’t really have any new years resolutions but this much I know, something in my life needs to change. Change in every possible way, I’ve been living the same way for too long. I’m sick of routine and absolutely bored with my life. I need some excitement and as much as I hate drama, I welcome it with open arms! However this is gonna be hard because I’m so open minded I can adapt to most situations and its gonna be hard to get me out of my comfort zone! Dare I say I need to open a can of worms?

Either way something’s gottta change!

Hello, anyone out there???

Arghhhh I'm so bored! New years is less than a day away and I'm sitting here at 3.30am with a blank mind and a blank page!

Should I tell you about my new years eve plans? What I plan to do? Should I tell you about whatever I was thinking about earlier, happy or sad? Or do you guys wanna hear some philosophical shit? Nope, because I got nothing coming to me!

They say if you want to improve your writing, you must write everyday. However in my case writers block is an understatement! And no offense to all the people on my blog, I appreciate you taking the time out to read my blog but your all so silent..I need some inspiration!!

I highly doubt this blog will even make a difference..

My Guiding Light...

            What does it mean to be yourself. Is it the material possessions that make you you? The items that surround you which tell a piece of your story. Or is it something more than that. Something more than materialistic. Something you can’t even put a price on. I’ve lived away for more than 3 and a half years. By the end of my time here it would have been 5 years, half a decade. And although I visit home time to time it never seems enough. In those 3 and a half years I’ve sort of lost my way. And although I’m slowly trying to find my way back, the only time I truly feel like I’ve found my way is when I am at home, surrounded by the ones I love. Somehow they hold the guiding light which I find myself so desperately looking for at times. All the times I’ve wanted to spread my wings and get away, and in every moment that I am away I know deep down inside I want to go back. Back to where my heart is, back to where my head is, back to where I should be, where I want to be. Because even I know that it’s the only place I can be me. Not the person I’ve evolved to, the person I’ve molded to but the person I always was, the person I want to be again. Something about going home somehow makes you get your head right, makes you remember the person you really are, the person you used to be. And with every moment fleeting I realise how important it is that you hold on to that person, that place, those people before you loose yourself entirely.

Who do you see?

There are over 6 billion people in the world, for better or for worse. And yet in that number we only see one. That one person who somehow becomes our world, the center of our universe and yet they can’t even see us. It’s not that we’re invisible, that they can’t see us but that they choose not to. They don’t even care to. The time and effort we put in thinking we’re investing in something real only to find out that we’re living in a bubble. And how much it hurts when our bubble is burst.
Yet we can’t seem to see past them. They’re still everything we want, everything we think we need. That there’s no one else like them out there in the world. No one else better. No one else better for you. There are so many people out there but so few in our world and yet we confine ourselves only to what we know, what we see, holding on for dear life, praying they’ll never let go. Until one day we let go.

Over 6 billion people in the world and yet in our world we only see one.

I was blind but now I see...

They say we fail to see what’s right in front of us because we’re forever looking for that something we hope to find. That something that drives us to continue the search even when we feel disappointed at the end of each day.

Yet in that hope of looking for it, we sometimes fail to realise that it found us. Sometimes we open our eyes and realise its too late and sometimes we don’t know a good thing even if it was to hit us.

I was blind but now I see. And forever seems like a long time to be blind.

Ladies..what is going on here???

Ok so firstly I am going to apologise for my absence. I have been quite surprisingly busy now that exams are over going out, partying and most importantly sleeping!! Anyway that sums up why I have been quite crappy replying to most of your personal messages to me but now I’m back!

           

Ok so ladies what’s with all the running after and pining for guys?! Why are you girls chasing them? Ever heard the quote “don’t chase em’, replace em’”?? What is going on??

So most of you have developed a crush on someone playing you hot and cold or have been lead on only to be dropped. Instead of getting smart, even or getting over it your pining! Why??

Its pretty simple, if a guys playing you hot and cold chances are he can’t make up his mind about you or from his pick of girls. If a guy leads you on and drops you, chances are you didn’t hold his attention long enough and he’s on to his next shiny toy. Either way your just an option. (This doesn’t apply to all guys just mainly the players!)

You don’t have to like what I’m saying. I might be blunt but at least I’m honest! And I’m not gonna give you some crappy advice about how he likes you really or I’m sure what your hearing isn’t true or how he’s not worth it cause realistically he isn’t but that’s not why we’re reading this blog. In theory all this typical, comforting advice makes you feel a little better at the time but it doesn’t actually do anything for you apart from that. Your still gonna feel crappy about it.

So for all you readers out there relating to this post or asking for advice this is what I propose. Pick one of the following:

GET SMART

If the guy plays you hot and cold or leads you on don’t put all your eggs in one basket and all of a sudden declare this relationship to be ‘the one’. Be smart, know where your heads really at and don’t get in over your head. Most of us have that annoying habit of being swept off our feet by a few sweet words. Remember it’s so easy to say a few sweet things. Don’t fall for everything you hear. If you know its time to cut your losses and get out, your probably right.

GET EVEN

This can be disastrous but can also be entertaining. Play him hot and cold, lead him on, do all the things he would do to you, say to you back. Guys love to be challenged, they love the chase. Stop running after him, otherwise your not much of a challenge and they’ll see no point chasing you. The best way to get attention is to stop giving attention. That way he’ll crave attention from you and try to gain it. But you also need something that’s gonna make him intrigued by you, make him wanna chase you. Something to draw him in. Find out what it is and dangle it in front of him but don’t ever let him catch it. You have to be cool, collected and smart. Most of all you have to think like a guy. This can honestly be so entertaining but it can be disastrous if you fall for his bullshit, give in or feel sorry for the way your behaving and pay him more attention. Don’t let him get one over on you! Keep your emotions in check and try to think what would he do and do it better. A loose example would be the movie ‘John Tucker Must Die’ but you don’t have to go as over the top as they did!

GET OVER IT

It is what it is. What’s done is done. If you don’t care to under go the first two options then do just that. GET.OVER.IT. and move on! Simple as that.

That’s it. That’s my advice in a nutshell. If it helps great, if not then not. Remember not all of these will work for you. Find the one that will and you have to adapt it to your guy and the way you are.

Guys like a challenge and girls like to prove their worth. How would I know? Lets just say I used to be a typical guy when it came to relationships. I had no problem playing the game that all these guys are more than qualified in. I got away with it the way they do and I was never suspected the way they are. My motto used to be “play the game or get played”. And I guess it kind of helps when most of your boy mates used to be and some still are the typical players you know. I would never let them near any of my girl friends but have no problem running to them for advice or hearing their latest entertaining scandals.

Anyway hope this helps! It might sound a little extreme but I don’t really hear a better option from anyone else. Try it and see. Good luck ladies!

-WARNING: MAKE UP TALK!!!-

Ok so this is totally random but people keep asking me to write a blog on this so they can read it so here you go…

-I WARN YOU IN ADVANCE THIS IS MAKE UP TALK-

Ok so I’m a girl so yes I love make up but no I’m not crazy obsessed with it. I could easily go out with no make up on.

So here are the facts some of you keep asking me about.

Things I swear by if I need them:

FOUNDATIONS

Don’t really wear foundation because I have really clear skin but if I had to choose the best one by far is Este Lauders Double Wear Light. Easy to apply, medium coverage and won’t sweat off or smudge or transfer on to anything. Incredible staying power.

POWDERS

I have a mac compact but to be honest I actually think its quite shit! I usually take it on a night out just incase but I don’t really use it that much. Best powder by far is Bare Minerals powders! Absolutely love it! Just research is because I swear by it! A drug store brand that is also quite good but quite sheer is Maybelline Dream Matte Powder.

BLUSHERS

Again not something I really use because my skin has a red undertone especially in my cheeks so I have a natural blush but if I wear foundation on my cheeks I love to put Nars blushers on top or better yet the Chanel blushes!

BRONZERS

Bare minerals warmth is like a natural touch of sun but you have to be so careful with how much you put on. A little really is a lot!

EYE SHADOWS

I Like Mac but I’m not so in love with it that I have every colour but I do have a few. Too Faced and Urban Decay are good and a few other brands like Lancôme, Dior, Elizabeth Arden and so forth. I tend to like browns, mushroomy, browny purples, natural colours but that’s not to say I love wearing a smokey eye look or other colours I don’t normally wear.

EYELINERS

If I could only wear one product it would be this. Almost half the time it’s the only thing I do wear make up wise. I only use liquid so surprisingly Rimmel’s liquid eyeliners. If I had to choose pencil eyeliner it would be Urban Decays 24/7 eyeliners.

MASCARAS

Lancôme Hynose or Hypnose Drama is incredible for lengthening, thickening and volumising your lashes. And I really am talking from experience. I cannot express how many mascaras I have tried! But if you want thicker, volume lashes this really is amazing.

CONCEALERS

Don’t really wear these but the Dior Skin Flash is sooo much better than the YSL Touché Éclat in my opinion and apparently the opinion of so many others who have used and reviewed both. Also Mac is pretty good.

LIPSTICKS

Love Lancôme’s colour fever or L'Absolu Rouge range. Both ranges are amazing if you’re looking for a red lipstick. I’m really impressed with Nars lipstick pencils as well but my latest addiction is the new Dior Addict lipstick range. It goes on a smooth with a little sheen and leaves a subtle stain.

LIP GLOSSES

Kinda over gloss but a really good lip gloss that I love would be the Too Faced Mood Activated Lip Gloss in the fuchsia colour. It leaves a really nice stain to your lips.

LIP BALM

Elizabeth Arden is my addiction in this department with her Eight Hour Cream Lip Protectant Stick Sheer Tint in blush or berry. I honestly have never used a simple lip balm since I tried this. This goes with me absolutely everywhere!

In the middle of nowhere..Not Anymore!

Ever been stuck in one of those relationships that are nor here nor there. One of those more than friends, less than lovers and to top it off, miles apart of distance making the relationship a bit more impossible. Well I am, or at least I was.

The guy had always been a good friend, until he turned in to more. Although we were on the same page, nothing more could come of us for the time being as we were miles apart. The distance would be too hard. So from then to here we continued to carry on the way we were. But as time passed my feelings grew stronger and I began to want more from the relationship. Apart from physical contact, it lacked an emotional ground. He had more than just an insight into my life, whereas I only had a glimpse into his.

My attempts to make us closer failed miserably, leaving me to question what really ever was the foundation of our relationship, if you could call it that even. I wondered if we were just meant to be friends but his reluctance to give me up and his talks about the future, our future proved me so wrong. We were just stuck in the middle of nowhere, never really going anywhere and he was happy to remain like this. I was not.

So now I’m leaving. I’m going away for a while. Following my own sense of direction wherever it leads me I guess...

"I’m gonna go away, I’ll be back but I don’t know if I’ll want to. You have the opportunity, the chance to catch me before I go or never catch me at all. Because if I come back I’ll be coming back as just me, not as yours or as me and you. All this time I’ve felt partially bad, for leaving you. I wanted to make it last, make us last even if that meant I was away but you can’t even make it last when I am still here. So I’m gonna go away, on my own little adventure, coming back with stories to tell, but not coming back to you."

Why I Have A Wall..?

My friends say no matter how close someone is to me there’s still a part of me they can never get to. A part that I never let anyone see, or reveal. This part is so hidden that people can never pin point what they think it is. So well concealed they have no idea how to get to it. I was once told that I would be a good at poker because I have a good poker face, I show no specific emotion. I supposedly have this wall that no matter what you do you can never penetrate it or get over it. Irony of the situation is that even I didn’t know I had this wall. I always thought I was quite open with people, when your close to me you know your close to me, you’d never have to doubt that. But somehow it seems even the close ones feel miles apart from me. Always an arms length away. And I can’t help it. To be honest I don’t really know how to explain it or let alone know how it got this way or when. How do I even explain it to myself. I guess I’ve always just been used to being the one who takes care of people. The majority, more or less all my relationships with people consist of me being there the most when people need me, even if they can’t admit it. But whose there for me? I know it sounds weird but although its not intentional, we’ve all had friends which we lean on a bit too much and when its their turn to lean on us we’re far too busy to be there let alone notice. And I guess in that time I learned to lean on myself if that makes sense. Be strong for myself. Be the stronger one out of all my relationships with people. But it doesn’t mean I’m not weak or crumbling inside when things go wrong. It doesn’t mean I don’t need someone to be there for me to make sure I’m ok. I’m just too strong to admit it because I feel like I need to be. I’m so independent I don’t really need looking after but sometimes its what I want and need the most. Does this even make sense why I have a wall?

Where's the beginning for you?

We all go through life forever changing, evolving, growing up. Some more than others. And as we change and grow older so do our perceptions and our outlook on life. Some find ourselves doing things we never thought we would or that we could, the rare few of us actually seize the opportunity to take what we’ve always wanted and most of us still have no clue what we want or where we’re going but just that we’re still moving. But it all comes down to the same thing in the end. What we want now will still be the same as what we wanted before. Sure we may have tweaked that idea a little, got a little sidetracked but it’s still the same concept as before. It’s like they say ‘at the end you always think about the beginning’ and when you feel most lost you tend to go back to the start. So where’s the beginning for you? Where did it all begin? This crazy journey? The reason why you do the things you do? Why you are the way you are? For those of you who know who you are and where you’re going, congratulations and for those of you who are still trying to find your way, figure out what you want, keep going. There might be some light at the end of that tunnel after all.

Goodbye..For Now

Why are goodbyes so hard? Is it because we’re saying goodbye to a happy memory, a time, a place, a person. Or is it because we know that this particular time, this particular place, this particular person, this very moment will be forever gone and it’ll never be the same again. Change is inevitable whether we want it to happen or not, but yet we find it increasingly hard to wave goodbye to the routine we’re so used to whether we’re happy in it or not. All those moments we never grabbed, all those words left unsaid, all the times we’d tell ourselves we’ll do it another day, another time. And in our final goodbyes we’re saddened because we know this is the end and we regret all the things we didn’t say and all the things we didn’t do. We wave goodbye to the ones we love giving promises to see each other again soon and we even wave goodbye to the ones we know we’ll never see again but that we’ll never forget. And as you part your separate ways your saddened by the knowledge of knowing your paths only momentarily met but were never entwined. And then you’re left with a question… where do we go from here?

Who would you keep? Who would you forget?

Once you put someone in your heart their always going to be there. You can’t get rid of them no matter how much you want. But if you could get rid of someone, if you could choose who could remain in your heart and who couldn’t…who would you choose? Who would you get rid of? Who would you keep? Who would you forget? It’s hard when the ones you love tend to be the ones that hurt you the most. I know they say the ones you love should never hurt you but no ones perfect, we all make mistakes. But if you could choose would it be easier? Or would it just mean your lying to yourself? Sometimes there are reasons why people are in our heart, why they remain and why they never left, no matter how black and white the picture is.

What does it mean...

What does it mean to be selfish? Is selfish where we only care and are consumed with our own thoughts and being, never caring to give an interest in others. Is selfish where you have to be cruel to be kind? Is selfish a sacrifice or refusal to give up your prize. Can selfish be hope, desire, or is it just greed.

Most of us live our lives too absorbed in our own drama. Our own world and for the sake of it why not? The world is what you make it, including drama and all. We are after all creators of our own problems. But what about other peoples problems. Millions of us walk these streets without a care in the world, without even paying attention to the people around us. And why should we right, it’s not like we know them. But what about the people we do know? Most of us are too consumed with our own pain to notice others hurting around us. Too wrapped up in our own lives, our personal pain, our own world to notice anyone around us. And once it’s too late, we’re too wrapped up in our own guilt.

But what about those who aren’t so much selfish but more so selfless? Why do they do it? What drives them to bend over backwards for others even when its an inconvenience or the worst possible time? What makes them want to help, want to be there, want to do things for others when they are less thought of. And with the knowledge of all this, what makes them continue?

What’s sad is that even though it might be too little too late to be there for someone, even if a selfless person has done everything and more for that person, they’ll still feel guilty. Somewhat responsible. If only they could have devoted a little more time, if only they could have got through to that person. Feeling as though they didn’t do enough they will always blame themselves feeling partially responsible. A selfish person never will. They will be too consumer with how they feel, possibly being angry with the person that is too far gone to reach. Why did they do this to me? Why didn’t they listen? And best the line possible… why didn’t they tell me?

Sometimes being selfish can be a good thing. Like I said before sometimes you’ve got to be cruel to be kind and that doesn’t always mean to others but to yourself. People will always walk over you if you let them. Sometimes you have to be selfish if you want anything in this world. After all they say nothing in this world is free. Its ok to be selfish once in a while but make a habit of it and become too greedy, there will always be something waiting to knock you down a few pegs.

Believe it or not but there is such a thing as being too selfless. As nice and kind a gesture it is, its not always fair. People are never hesitant to take advantage and it doesn’t necessarily have to be because you know you can. Sometimes without realising you’ll lean on someone once or twice and before you know it your laying all over them. Selfless people will rarely ever deny someone in need no matter how big or small that need is. But during their selfless acts people will begin to identify them as a doormat rather than a door opening when they need, as opposed to walking in when they want. And what’s worse is we get so used to treating people this way, being treated this way that we do such little to change it. Partially fear of loosing someone, partially comfort in the familiarity of these patterns.

Selfless people tend to be the ones in more need than others’, they’re either just to proud or too private to want to inconvenience anyone. And eventually before you know it, they’re too far gone and it’s too little too late. Its tragic really.

Pretty cynical view but in some ways there’s a lot of truth in it and after all doesn’t the truth sometimes hurt.

Fear of falling, or is it flying?

Ok so I don’t know where I’m going with this one. I think we’re beginning to see a pattern here lol. Ok so this all began with tonight. I met a guy tonight, introduced through a friend who originally told me about him. Partially because everyone thinks he’s hot and he wanted to know my opinion, and partially because my friend thinks he’s a nice guy and that we’d get along. I know what your thinking but I assure you this is not a hook up or anything, my friend genuinely wanted my opinion on this guy. I don’t know, but anyway… so I met him tonight and at first I didn’t really notice him that much. Nothing really stood out. I gathered he was friendly which he was. A while later we got talking. It all started off with him wanting me to psychoanalyse him because I do psychology. I couldn’t really go on much because I had only spoken to him for at most 5 minutes but what ever I did go on was enough to draw him in. I can’t explain it but well for one he is quite interesting and quite like me. I mean you can tell he’s a deep thinker, I am too, he’s so curious by things, a sponge for knowledge, check in that department, he’s just intriguing. I know that these sound like such small and minor qualities but they could manifest in to such big things and I really can’t be bothered to fill you in on all his qualities and so on. I promise this is not one of those ‘guys I met a guy tonight or after date special blogs’, I really am genuinely curious by him and meeting him just got me thinking.

To cut a very long story short my last relationship was probably the most deepest and meaningful one I’ve ever had on any aspect. The guy and me clicked, and I can’t explain it but it wasn’t just one of those we got along well and liked each other things. It was so much more than that. Yep I know, everyone’s relationships are so much more than that and can top anyone else’s. Right whatever. Don't worry, I am not one of those people that exaggerate beyond belief or make something more than it is. I tend to be more of a realist. I know where I am and where my feeling are. So anyway going of topic here but yeah me and my ex were literally like a fairy story as cliché as it sounds. I’m talking the whole nine yards, we were so alike, had everything in common, if I was a guy I would be him. The way we were together, we’d just light the room up, people who met us and didn’t know that we were together knew straight away that we should be together. Anyway I can’t really be bothered to list reasons why we were perfect together and I don’t really care how cliché it makes me sound because I was in the relationship and not you guys, no offence. So anyway, like most things perfect they are immediately flawed once given that title and yep that’s what happened to us. Even when we were a disaster we were still so perfect together but it went wrong. Like me, my ex also tends to run away from his relationships, kinda one of those cut your losses before you get in to deep and can’t find a way out things, don’t know why it happens but it does. This time however with him I decided to actually stay around and stick it out, even through our various obstacles. But in the end our relationship felt tainted and I know that sounds kinda shit but its true. And at the time for me personally it was better to not pursue anything between us, that and I just wanted something new, I was so fed up of all the shit this relationship had brought me and given me. Anyway I got over it but it got me thinking because once I was over it I was in some sense back on the market if you will. I’ve always been the girl whose never got attached or really hurt, relationships and me never really went in the same sentence but with my ex it all just made sense.

So a scary thought kinda hit me. I had the most amazing relationship with my ex, well the good. And it was everything I wanted and more, down to the point where he was like my other half, everything I wanted in someone, my perfect person and my perfect relationship. But it all went so wrong. What if that’s the best I ever get? What if no one or nothing can live up to or even compare to what we had. When you really have had the best how do you downgrade and I really don’t mean that in a harsh way but you get my point. It scares me the idea that I’ll never feel complete or content like I did then. And it scares me that there’s a possibility I will never find something great like that or as that ever again. I literally got everything I wanted when I met my ex and I literally got it all taken away. To say it was all my fault would only make this more of a tragedy but the only thing I can claim as my fault is turning down our second chance to get it right. And yet I don’t regret that choice I made. Trust me I am not perfect and in no way am I trying to give you the impression that I'm implying that I am or that I’m a saint or anything but I honestly didn’t actually do anything wrong in our time together. If I did and I’m partially responsible for his fuck up than I guess I’m ignorant.

Anyway getting back to the point of my blog is that this guy I met today, he got me thinking. I know if I were to get to know him a bit more I’d be completely hooked. I know it seems weird but I kinda feel this weird connection or something but at the same time it doesn’t feel like a connection. It's so much more worse because he’s so similar to me which means he’d get me better than anyone vice versa. Real question is though would I let him get to know me properly. Would I ever be honest with him at all times. I don’t mean specifically this guy, any guy really just relationship wise. I’m not entirely honest when it comes to my feelings. I know big shocker, who is? But it terrifies me being honest about how I feel. It scares me almost more than anything in the world. Not because I fear rejection but because I’ve always been a shielded person. I’ll let you in and you’ll be so close to me but you’ll still be an arms length away. I can’t stand the idea of opening up, laying everything bear. It terrifies me so much because I know if I let someone in they could potentially wreak havoc and hurt me in ways unimaginable.

They could break me. And I really don’t want to hurt. That’s everyone though isn’t it. No one wants to hurt but no one wants to be alone. Oh what a contradiction. I know I’m not so different to some of you, and you’ll probably be casting a thousand opinions on me. I’m too self centered, I’m a coward, this blog is stupid and pointless. I don’t really care because I’m not writing for you. I don’t really even know why I’m writing, just that I am.

I’ve been told by certain people that they envy people like me. The ones that never give their heart away. The ones that have never known the pain of love. They think we have a better idea of what a relationship should be like and how we should be. But no, I envy those who have known the pain of a relationship, because while I have never been hurt, you guys have and you have gotten the strength to get up and survive and keep on moving. I wouldn’t know how to survive and that just adds to my fear.

So here’s a glass to you guys, its not about how you fall it’s how you rise and I am still on the edge of the cliff too scared to take that leap.