So
I haven’t written in a long time. In the midst of things I got busy and I guess
I forgot what was the point of it all. Truth be told I haven’t written anything
since my last post. Not just on here but I haven’t even put pen to paper for a
while. Maybe because I know that when I put pen to paper the truth always comes
seeping out and even I know I’m in denial. What’s that saying, “ignorance is
bliss”? In my case ignorance is just plain and simple ignorance and bliss seems
so far away now.
I spent so long trying to find myself after I had lost myself
and now I’m fighting a battle if I should even keep myself. I never really knew
much in life, I just sort of thought I had it all figured out or at least I
will but I’m finding I’m learning new things everyday. They say people change
and move on to bigger, better things but what if I change and I don’t like it?
I wish I could just snap my fingers and go back to the way everything was
before but even I know that’s a lie.
Truth is I have changed and I’m not proud
of it. I’ve found myself doing things I never thought I would do and going
against every moral principle I believe in. Believed in, now seeming the
appropriate word. I’ve always been a strong person but the realization that I’m
weaker than I ever knew is crippling. And I feel as if I can’t move. There’s
nothing I can do about it. Nothing I can do to change it. Nothing I can do to
make it better.
This
demotion of power has left me feeling paralysed and worse, helpless and
hopeless. And there’s nothing more pathetic than that coming from the girl who
thought she could take on the world. I used to be my own protection but now it
seems I can’t even protect myself and the world is kicking my ass! It’s funny
the advice I give to people is not always necessarily the advice I take myself.
I always know the solutions to other people’s problems but can’t ever seem to
solve any of my own.
Life’s all about taking chances and risks, at least that’s
what I preach but why is it now more than ever I remain in the safe zone, too
afraid to move. Maybe it’s because I know if I even twitch a muscle, things
could set in motion and those motions could reap permanent consequences. And
once this happens, there’s no going back… but who says I want to?
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