Why I Have A Wall..?

My friends say no matter how close someone is to me there’s still a part of me they can never get to. A part that I never let anyone see, or reveal. This part is so hidden that people can never pin point what they think it is. So well concealed they have no idea how to get to it. I was once told that I would be a good at poker because I have a good poker face, I show no specific emotion. I supposedly have this wall that no matter what you do you can never penetrate it or get over it. Irony of the situation is that even I didn’t know I had this wall. I always thought I was quite open with people, when your close to me you know your close to me, you’d never have to doubt that. But somehow it seems even the close ones feel miles apart from me. Always an arms length away. And I can’t help it. To be honest I don’t really know how to explain it or let alone know how it got this way or when. How do I even explain it to myself. I guess I’ve always just been used to being the one who takes care of people. The majority, more or less all my relationships with people consist of me being there the most when people need me, even if they can’t admit it. But whose there for me? I know it sounds weird but although its not intentional, we’ve all had friends which we lean on a bit too much and when its their turn to lean on us we’re far too busy to be there let alone notice. And I guess in that time I learned to lean on myself if that makes sense. Be strong for myself. Be the stronger one out of all my relationships with people. But it doesn’t mean I’m not weak or crumbling inside when things go wrong. It doesn’t mean I don’t need someone to be there for me to make sure I’m ok. I’m just too strong to admit it because I feel like I need to be. I’m so independent I don’t really need looking after but sometimes its what I want and need the most. Does this even make sense why I have a wall?

Where's the beginning for you?

We all go through life forever changing, evolving, growing up. Some more than others. And as we change and grow older so do our perceptions and our outlook on life. Some find ourselves doing things we never thought we would or that we could, the rare few of us actually seize the opportunity to take what we’ve always wanted and most of us still have no clue what we want or where we’re going but just that we’re still moving. But it all comes down to the same thing in the end. What we want now will still be the same as what we wanted before. Sure we may have tweaked that idea a little, got a little sidetracked but it’s still the same concept as before. It’s like they say ‘at the end you always think about the beginning’ and when you feel most lost you tend to go back to the start. So where’s the beginning for you? Where did it all begin? This crazy journey? The reason why you do the things you do? Why you are the way you are? For those of you who know who you are and where you’re going, congratulations and for those of you who are still trying to find your way, figure out what you want, keep going. There might be some light at the end of that tunnel after all.