Fear of falling, or is it flying?

Ok so I don’t know where I’m going with this one. I think we’re beginning to see a pattern here lol. Ok so this all began with tonight. I met a guy tonight, introduced through a friend who originally told me about him. Partially because everyone thinks he’s hot and he wanted to know my opinion, and partially because my friend thinks he’s a nice guy and that we’d get along. I know what your thinking but I assure you this is not a hook up or anything, my friend genuinely wanted my opinion on this guy. I don’t know, but anyway… so I met him tonight and at first I didn’t really notice him that much. Nothing really stood out. I gathered he was friendly which he was. A while later we got talking. It all started off with him wanting me to psychoanalyse him because I do psychology. I couldn’t really go on much because I had only spoken to him for at most 5 minutes but what ever I did go on was enough to draw him in. I can’t explain it but well for one he is quite interesting and quite like me. I mean you can tell he’s a deep thinker, I am too, he’s so curious by things, a sponge for knowledge, check in that department, he’s just intriguing. I know that these sound like such small and minor qualities but they could manifest in to such big things and I really can’t be bothered to fill you in on all his qualities and so on. I promise this is not one of those ‘guys I met a guy tonight or after date special blogs’, I really am genuinely curious by him and meeting him just got me thinking.

To cut a very long story short my last relationship was probably the most deepest and meaningful one I’ve ever had on any aspect. The guy and me clicked, and I can’t explain it but it wasn’t just one of those we got along well and liked each other things. It was so much more than that. Yep I know, everyone’s relationships are so much more than that and can top anyone else’s. Right whatever. Don't worry, I am not one of those people that exaggerate beyond belief or make something more than it is. I tend to be more of a realist. I know where I am and where my feeling are. So anyway going of topic here but yeah me and my ex were literally like a fairy story as cliché as it sounds. I’m talking the whole nine yards, we were so alike, had everything in common, if I was a guy I would be him. The way we were together, we’d just light the room up, people who met us and didn’t know that we were together knew straight away that we should be together. Anyway I can’t really be bothered to list reasons why we were perfect together and I don’t really care how cliché it makes me sound because I was in the relationship and not you guys, no offence. So anyway, like most things perfect they are immediately flawed once given that title and yep that’s what happened to us. Even when we were a disaster we were still so perfect together but it went wrong. Like me, my ex also tends to run away from his relationships, kinda one of those cut your losses before you get in to deep and can’t find a way out things, don’t know why it happens but it does. This time however with him I decided to actually stay around and stick it out, even through our various obstacles. But in the end our relationship felt tainted and I know that sounds kinda shit but its true. And at the time for me personally it was better to not pursue anything between us, that and I just wanted something new, I was so fed up of all the shit this relationship had brought me and given me. Anyway I got over it but it got me thinking because once I was over it I was in some sense back on the market if you will. I’ve always been the girl whose never got attached or really hurt, relationships and me never really went in the same sentence but with my ex it all just made sense.

So a scary thought kinda hit me. I had the most amazing relationship with my ex, well the good. And it was everything I wanted and more, down to the point where he was like my other half, everything I wanted in someone, my perfect person and my perfect relationship. But it all went so wrong. What if that’s the best I ever get? What if no one or nothing can live up to or even compare to what we had. When you really have had the best how do you downgrade and I really don’t mean that in a harsh way but you get my point. It scares me the idea that I’ll never feel complete or content like I did then. And it scares me that there’s a possibility I will never find something great like that or as that ever again. I literally got everything I wanted when I met my ex and I literally got it all taken away. To say it was all my fault would only make this more of a tragedy but the only thing I can claim as my fault is turning down our second chance to get it right. And yet I don’t regret that choice I made. Trust me I am not perfect and in no way am I trying to give you the impression that I'm implying that I am or that I’m a saint or anything but I honestly didn’t actually do anything wrong in our time together. If I did and I’m partially responsible for his fuck up than I guess I’m ignorant.

Anyway getting back to the point of my blog is that this guy I met today, he got me thinking. I know if I were to get to know him a bit more I’d be completely hooked. I know it seems weird but I kinda feel this weird connection or something but at the same time it doesn’t feel like a connection. It's so much more worse because he’s so similar to me which means he’d get me better than anyone vice versa. Real question is though would I let him get to know me properly. Would I ever be honest with him at all times. I don’t mean specifically this guy, any guy really just relationship wise. I’m not entirely honest when it comes to my feelings. I know big shocker, who is? But it terrifies me being honest about how I feel. It scares me almost more than anything in the world. Not because I fear rejection but because I’ve always been a shielded person. I’ll let you in and you’ll be so close to me but you’ll still be an arms length away. I can’t stand the idea of opening up, laying everything bear. It terrifies me so much because I know if I let someone in they could potentially wreak havoc and hurt me in ways unimaginable.

They could break me. And I really don’t want to hurt. That’s everyone though isn’t it. No one wants to hurt but no one wants to be alone. Oh what a contradiction. I know I’m not so different to some of you, and you’ll probably be casting a thousand opinions on me. I’m too self centered, I’m a coward, this blog is stupid and pointless. I don’t really care because I’m not writing for you. I don’t really even know why I’m writing, just that I am.

I’ve been told by certain people that they envy people like me. The ones that never give their heart away. The ones that have never known the pain of love. They think we have a better idea of what a relationship should be like and how we should be. But no, I envy those who have known the pain of a relationship, because while I have never been hurt, you guys have and you have gotten the strength to get up and survive and keep on moving. I wouldn’t know how to survive and that just adds to my fear.

So here’s a glass to you guys, its not about how you fall it’s how you rise and I am still on the edge of the cliff too scared to take that leap.

What a predicament !!!

We always want what we want in life, whether it’s a new car, a new phone, a new friend. But somehow once we get it it never seems enough. Take relationships for example, you want what you want, and once you get it you either don’t want it anymore or you look for flaws to convince you that it’s no longer something you want. Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we do this to others? We’re never really internally satisfied, there’s always going to be that yearning for something more. To live life completely content is a lie, but to live life completely ignorant is a possibility. Some of us don’t always want what we have but choose to continue with it regardless, instead of switching it up for the next model or something more suitable.

Some of us lucky few actually get what we want and are truly content. Although there are some flaws, as there are in anything and everything, the good always triumphs the bad and somehow those flaws are molded in to imperfect perfections.

The real question here is with life being so short and with every moment passing could be our last, why do we still feel it’s appropriate to become selfish and picky. Why are we not satisfied enough to realise what we have and just be content with it.

I do agree its ok to be selfish sometimes, but when did little matters turn into big things? I heard this song the other day and now I can’t stop listening to it. And some of the lyrics go “I wish I could have said goodbye, turn right back the hands of time, so I could be by your side again…” something like that. But it made me think that lifes so short and anything can happen. Those who are unfortunate enough to have lost a loved one or just someone wishes they could have them back for just a day, whereas most of us take for granted the people we have in our lives already, wanting them to change, unable to accept them for who they completely are.

As people we are always going to want to change, move away, do something different, meet someone who brings us completely out of our element and makes us see the world differently. But what if those people in our lives see us in that light, see us as the ones who make them see differently, make them think twice and yet we don’t feel content with just them. What if roles reversed and we were in their shoes? I know this sounds like I’m saying that if this is the case then we should just grin and bear it, differences and all. But what if the differences are too big to over come no matter how hard you’ve tried? Does it mean you should throw the towel in, after all, you’ve done all you can right? That’s our problem, most of us don’t do all we can or even explore the possibilities of making a situation better, we just wanna duck and run the first sign of trouble. And its not fair..

Ok, so here goes...

You don't know me, and you probably never will but I just felt like writing this anyway. This blog may not live forever and I wont either, but if you are reading maybe it might move you in some way, make you think twice, change an opinion, I don't know. This blog I've created isn’t for anyone, or someone or even me. It just something that kinda happened, like most things in life. Take what you can from it, even if it leaves you with nothing.. So it’s the new year, 2011 here we come! New years eve is funny like that, we dive in so ready for the year not knowing what could possibly happen, hopes for a better year compared to the last, hopes for full-filling dreams and promises we make. Promises we make to ourselves, to others and then the year passes by so quickly and we end it with regret and relief that we can start all over again. It sounds pretty simple doesn’t it? But what if it really is? I mean we’re a few days into the new year, we could start shaping the rest of our year, the rest of our future as we want. What if we didn’t have to regret anything by the end of the year but instead be glad for the year and look forward to another year to come. I don’t know, I know I’m rambling and in some ways I make sense but you’re probably thinking what’s you point… I just feel like I don’t want to waste this year. Someone said to me the other day “your life begins at 40”, but I want my life to begin now, not when I feel like it’s too late, not when I might have missed opportunities and have regrets. I wanna start the future and shape it, even if I make a mess. I wanna get on a train and disappear in to an unheard of town where I don’t know anyone or anything. I wanna laugh like I used, where every moment mattered and I seized every moment. I wanna get lost somewhere with whoever and just be content with that. I wanna smile like there’s no tomorrow and live like there’s only today. I know how cliché this sounds, believe me! I don’t know about you, but I don’t wanna waste another year of my life only to look back at the end of the year and reflect on bad memories, and a lack of accomplishment and just a lack of happiness really I guess. Cause let’s face it, no one really looked back on 2010 with a smile and thought yeah this has been a good year! Unless of course you were one of the lucky ones! I wanna look back and think it’s been a crazy year, but it was worth it, all the good and the bad. At least I did… At least I accomplished… and hey this happened to me… I think you get the point.
So they say the worlds gonna end in 2012..we’ll see about that.. This. Is. My. Year. ..I’m not gonna give it up for no one.