Why I Have A Wall..?

My friends say no matter how close someone is to me there’s still a part of me they can never get to. A part that I never let anyone see, or reveal. This part is so hidden that people can never pin point what they think it is. So well concealed they have no idea how to get to it. I was once told that I would be a good at poker because I have a good poker face, I show no specific emotion. I supposedly have this wall that no matter what you do you can never penetrate it or get over it. Irony of the situation is that even I didn’t know I had this wall. I always thought I was quite open with people, when your close to me you know your close to me, you’d never have to doubt that. But somehow it seems even the close ones feel miles apart from me. Always an arms length away. And I can’t help it. To be honest I don’t really know how to explain it or let alone know how it got this way or when. How do I even explain it to myself. I guess I’ve always just been used to being the one who takes care of people. The majority, more or less all my relationships with people consist of me being there the most when people need me, even if they can’t admit it. But whose there for me? I know it sounds weird but although its not intentional, we’ve all had friends which we lean on a bit too much and when its their turn to lean on us we’re far too busy to be there let alone notice. And I guess in that time I learned to lean on myself if that makes sense. Be strong for myself. Be the stronger one out of all my relationships with people. But it doesn’t mean I’m not weak or crumbling inside when things go wrong. It doesn’t mean I don’t need someone to be there for me to make sure I’m ok. I’m just too strong to admit it because I feel like I need to be. I’m so independent I don’t really need looking after but sometimes its what I want and need the most. Does this even make sense why I have a wall?

Where's the beginning for you?

We all go through life forever changing, evolving, growing up. Some more than others. And as we change and grow older so do our perceptions and our outlook on life. Some find ourselves doing things we never thought we would or that we could, the rare few of us actually seize the opportunity to take what we’ve always wanted and most of us still have no clue what we want or where we’re going but just that we’re still moving. But it all comes down to the same thing in the end. What we want now will still be the same as what we wanted before. Sure we may have tweaked that idea a little, got a little sidetracked but it’s still the same concept as before. It’s like they say ‘at the end you always think about the beginning’ and when you feel most lost you tend to go back to the start. So where’s the beginning for you? Where did it all begin? This crazy journey? The reason why you do the things you do? Why you are the way you are? For those of you who know who you are and where you’re going, congratulations and for those of you who are still trying to find your way, figure out what you want, keep going. There might be some light at the end of that tunnel after all.

Goodbye..For Now

Why are goodbyes so hard? Is it because we’re saying goodbye to a happy memory, a time, a place, a person. Or is it because we know that this particular time, this particular place, this particular person, this very moment will be forever gone and it’ll never be the same again. Change is inevitable whether we want it to happen or not, but yet we find it increasingly hard to wave goodbye to the routine we’re so used to whether we’re happy in it or not. All those moments we never grabbed, all those words left unsaid, all the times we’d tell ourselves we’ll do it another day, another time. And in our final goodbyes we’re saddened because we know this is the end and we regret all the things we didn’t say and all the things we didn’t do. We wave goodbye to the ones we love giving promises to see each other again soon and we even wave goodbye to the ones we know we’ll never see again but that we’ll never forget. And as you part your separate ways your saddened by the knowledge of knowing your paths only momentarily met but were never entwined. And then you’re left with a question… where do we go from here?

Who would you keep? Who would you forget?

Once you put someone in your heart their always going to be there. You can’t get rid of them no matter how much you want. But if you could get rid of someone, if you could choose who could remain in your heart and who couldn’t…who would you choose? Who would you get rid of? Who would you keep? Who would you forget? It’s hard when the ones you love tend to be the ones that hurt you the most. I know they say the ones you love should never hurt you but no ones perfect, we all make mistakes. But if you could choose would it be easier? Or would it just mean your lying to yourself? Sometimes there are reasons why people are in our heart, why they remain and why they never left, no matter how black and white the picture is.

What does it mean...

What does it mean to be selfish? Is selfish where we only care and are consumed with our own thoughts and being, never caring to give an interest in others. Is selfish where you have to be cruel to be kind? Is selfish a sacrifice or refusal to give up your prize. Can selfish be hope, desire, or is it just greed.

Most of us live our lives too absorbed in our own drama. Our own world and for the sake of it why not? The world is what you make it, including drama and all. We are after all creators of our own problems. But what about other peoples problems. Millions of us walk these streets without a care in the world, without even paying attention to the people around us. And why should we right, it’s not like we know them. But what about the people we do know? Most of us are too consumed with our own pain to notice others hurting around us. Too wrapped up in our own lives, our personal pain, our own world to notice anyone around us. And once it’s too late, we’re too wrapped up in our own guilt.

But what about those who aren’t so much selfish but more so selfless? Why do they do it? What drives them to bend over backwards for others even when its an inconvenience or the worst possible time? What makes them want to help, want to be there, want to do things for others when they are less thought of. And with the knowledge of all this, what makes them continue?

What’s sad is that even though it might be too little too late to be there for someone, even if a selfless person has done everything and more for that person, they’ll still feel guilty. Somewhat responsible. If only they could have devoted a little more time, if only they could have got through to that person. Feeling as though they didn’t do enough they will always blame themselves feeling partially responsible. A selfish person never will. They will be too consumer with how they feel, possibly being angry with the person that is too far gone to reach. Why did they do this to me? Why didn’t they listen? And best the line possible… why didn’t they tell me?

Sometimes being selfish can be a good thing. Like I said before sometimes you’ve got to be cruel to be kind and that doesn’t always mean to others but to yourself. People will always walk over you if you let them. Sometimes you have to be selfish if you want anything in this world. After all they say nothing in this world is free. Its ok to be selfish once in a while but make a habit of it and become too greedy, there will always be something waiting to knock you down a few pegs.

Believe it or not but there is such a thing as being too selfless. As nice and kind a gesture it is, its not always fair. People are never hesitant to take advantage and it doesn’t necessarily have to be because you know you can. Sometimes without realising you’ll lean on someone once or twice and before you know it your laying all over them. Selfless people will rarely ever deny someone in need no matter how big or small that need is. But during their selfless acts people will begin to identify them as a doormat rather than a door opening when they need, as opposed to walking in when they want. And what’s worse is we get so used to treating people this way, being treated this way that we do such little to change it. Partially fear of loosing someone, partially comfort in the familiarity of these patterns.

Selfless people tend to be the ones in more need than others’, they’re either just to proud or too private to want to inconvenience anyone. And eventually before you know it, they’re too far gone and it’s too little too late. Its tragic really.

Pretty cynical view but in some ways there’s a lot of truth in it and after all doesn’t the truth sometimes hurt.

Fear of falling, or is it flying?

Ok so I don’t know where I’m going with this one. I think we’re beginning to see a pattern here lol. Ok so this all began with tonight. I met a guy tonight, introduced through a friend who originally told me about him. Partially because everyone thinks he’s hot and he wanted to know my opinion, and partially because my friend thinks he’s a nice guy and that we’d get along. I know what your thinking but I assure you this is not a hook up or anything, my friend genuinely wanted my opinion on this guy. I don’t know, but anyway… so I met him tonight and at first I didn’t really notice him that much. Nothing really stood out. I gathered he was friendly which he was. A while later we got talking. It all started off with him wanting me to psychoanalyse him because I do psychology. I couldn’t really go on much because I had only spoken to him for at most 5 minutes but what ever I did go on was enough to draw him in. I can’t explain it but well for one he is quite interesting and quite like me. I mean you can tell he’s a deep thinker, I am too, he’s so curious by things, a sponge for knowledge, check in that department, he’s just intriguing. I know that these sound like such small and minor qualities but they could manifest in to such big things and I really can’t be bothered to fill you in on all his qualities and so on. I promise this is not one of those ‘guys I met a guy tonight or after date special blogs’, I really am genuinely curious by him and meeting him just got me thinking.

To cut a very long story short my last relationship was probably the most deepest and meaningful one I’ve ever had on any aspect. The guy and me clicked, and I can’t explain it but it wasn’t just one of those we got along well and liked each other things. It was so much more than that. Yep I know, everyone’s relationships are so much more than that and can top anyone else’s. Right whatever. Don't worry, I am not one of those people that exaggerate beyond belief or make something more than it is. I tend to be more of a realist. I know where I am and where my feeling are. So anyway going of topic here but yeah me and my ex were literally like a fairy story as cliché as it sounds. I’m talking the whole nine yards, we were so alike, had everything in common, if I was a guy I would be him. The way we were together, we’d just light the room up, people who met us and didn’t know that we were together knew straight away that we should be together. Anyway I can’t really be bothered to list reasons why we were perfect together and I don’t really care how cliché it makes me sound because I was in the relationship and not you guys, no offence. So anyway, like most things perfect they are immediately flawed once given that title and yep that’s what happened to us. Even when we were a disaster we were still so perfect together but it went wrong. Like me, my ex also tends to run away from his relationships, kinda one of those cut your losses before you get in to deep and can’t find a way out things, don’t know why it happens but it does. This time however with him I decided to actually stay around and stick it out, even through our various obstacles. But in the end our relationship felt tainted and I know that sounds kinda shit but its true. And at the time for me personally it was better to not pursue anything between us, that and I just wanted something new, I was so fed up of all the shit this relationship had brought me and given me. Anyway I got over it but it got me thinking because once I was over it I was in some sense back on the market if you will. I’ve always been the girl whose never got attached or really hurt, relationships and me never really went in the same sentence but with my ex it all just made sense.

So a scary thought kinda hit me. I had the most amazing relationship with my ex, well the good. And it was everything I wanted and more, down to the point where he was like my other half, everything I wanted in someone, my perfect person and my perfect relationship. But it all went so wrong. What if that’s the best I ever get? What if no one or nothing can live up to or even compare to what we had. When you really have had the best how do you downgrade and I really don’t mean that in a harsh way but you get my point. It scares me the idea that I’ll never feel complete or content like I did then. And it scares me that there’s a possibility I will never find something great like that or as that ever again. I literally got everything I wanted when I met my ex and I literally got it all taken away. To say it was all my fault would only make this more of a tragedy but the only thing I can claim as my fault is turning down our second chance to get it right. And yet I don’t regret that choice I made. Trust me I am not perfect and in no way am I trying to give you the impression that I'm implying that I am or that I’m a saint or anything but I honestly didn’t actually do anything wrong in our time together. If I did and I’m partially responsible for his fuck up than I guess I’m ignorant.

Anyway getting back to the point of my blog is that this guy I met today, he got me thinking. I know if I were to get to know him a bit more I’d be completely hooked. I know it seems weird but I kinda feel this weird connection or something but at the same time it doesn’t feel like a connection. It's so much more worse because he’s so similar to me which means he’d get me better than anyone vice versa. Real question is though would I let him get to know me properly. Would I ever be honest with him at all times. I don’t mean specifically this guy, any guy really just relationship wise. I’m not entirely honest when it comes to my feelings. I know big shocker, who is? But it terrifies me being honest about how I feel. It scares me almost more than anything in the world. Not because I fear rejection but because I’ve always been a shielded person. I’ll let you in and you’ll be so close to me but you’ll still be an arms length away. I can’t stand the idea of opening up, laying everything bear. It terrifies me so much because I know if I let someone in they could potentially wreak havoc and hurt me in ways unimaginable.

They could break me. And I really don’t want to hurt. That’s everyone though isn’t it. No one wants to hurt but no one wants to be alone. Oh what a contradiction. I know I’m not so different to some of you, and you’ll probably be casting a thousand opinions on me. I’m too self centered, I’m a coward, this blog is stupid and pointless. I don’t really care because I’m not writing for you. I don’t really even know why I’m writing, just that I am.

I’ve been told by certain people that they envy people like me. The ones that never give their heart away. The ones that have never known the pain of love. They think we have a better idea of what a relationship should be like and how we should be. But no, I envy those who have known the pain of a relationship, because while I have never been hurt, you guys have and you have gotten the strength to get up and survive and keep on moving. I wouldn’t know how to survive and that just adds to my fear.

So here’s a glass to you guys, its not about how you fall it’s how you rise and I am still on the edge of the cliff too scared to take that leap.

What a predicament !!!

We always want what we want in life, whether it’s a new car, a new phone, a new friend. But somehow once we get it it never seems enough. Take relationships for example, you want what you want, and once you get it you either don’t want it anymore or you look for flaws to convince you that it’s no longer something you want. Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we do this to others? We’re never really internally satisfied, there’s always going to be that yearning for something more. To live life completely content is a lie, but to live life completely ignorant is a possibility. Some of us don’t always want what we have but choose to continue with it regardless, instead of switching it up for the next model or something more suitable.

Some of us lucky few actually get what we want and are truly content. Although there are some flaws, as there are in anything and everything, the good always triumphs the bad and somehow those flaws are molded in to imperfect perfections.

The real question here is with life being so short and with every moment passing could be our last, why do we still feel it’s appropriate to become selfish and picky. Why are we not satisfied enough to realise what we have and just be content with it.

I do agree its ok to be selfish sometimes, but when did little matters turn into big things? I heard this song the other day and now I can’t stop listening to it. And some of the lyrics go “I wish I could have said goodbye, turn right back the hands of time, so I could be by your side again…” something like that. But it made me think that lifes so short and anything can happen. Those who are unfortunate enough to have lost a loved one or just someone wishes they could have them back for just a day, whereas most of us take for granted the people we have in our lives already, wanting them to change, unable to accept them for who they completely are.

As people we are always going to want to change, move away, do something different, meet someone who brings us completely out of our element and makes us see the world differently. But what if those people in our lives see us in that light, see us as the ones who make them see differently, make them think twice and yet we don’t feel content with just them. What if roles reversed and we were in their shoes? I know this sounds like I’m saying that if this is the case then we should just grin and bear it, differences and all. But what if the differences are too big to over come no matter how hard you’ve tried? Does it mean you should throw the towel in, after all, you’ve done all you can right? That’s our problem, most of us don’t do all we can or even explore the possibilities of making a situation better, we just wanna duck and run the first sign of trouble. And its not fair..