Ok so I don’t know where I’m going with this one. I think we’re beginning to see a pattern here lol. Ok so this all began with tonight. I met a guy tonight, introduced through a friend who originally told me about him. Partially because everyone thinks he’s hot and he wanted to know my opinion, and partially because my friend thinks he’s a nice guy and that we’d get along. I know what your thinking but I assure you this is not a hook up or anything, my friend genuinely wanted my opinion on this guy. I don’t know, but anyway… so I met him tonight and at first I didn’t really notice him that much. Nothing really stood out. I gathered he was friendly which he was. A while later we got talking. It all started off with him wanting me to psychoanalyse him because I do psychology. I couldn’t really go on much because I had only spoken to him for at most 5 minutes but what ever I did go on was enough to draw him in. I can’t explain it but well for one he is quite interesting and quite like me. I mean you can tell he’s a deep thinker, I am too, he’s so curious by things, a sponge for knowledge, check in that department, he’s just intriguing. I know that these sound like such small and minor qualities but they could manifest in to such big things and I really can’t be bothered to fill you in on all his qualities and so on. I promise this is not one of those ‘guys I met a guy tonight or after date special blogs’, I really am genuinely curious by him and meeting him just got me thinking.
To cut a very long story short my last relationship was probably the most deepest and meaningful one I’ve ever had on any aspect. The guy and me clicked, and I can’t explain it but it wasn’t just one of those we got along well and liked each other things. It was so much more than that. Yep I know, everyone’s relationships are so much more than that and can top anyone else’s. Right whatever. Don't worry, I am not one of those people that exaggerate beyond belief or make something more than it is. I tend to be more of a realist. I know where I am and where my feeling are. So anyway going of topic here but yeah me and my ex were literally like a fairy story as cliché as it sounds. I’m talking the whole nine yards, we were so alike, had everything in common, if I was a guy I would be him. The way we were together, we’d just light the room up, people who met us and didn’t know that we were together knew straight away that we should be together. Anyway I can’t really be bothered to list reasons why we were perfect together and I don’t really care how cliché it makes me sound because I was in the relationship and not you guys, no offence. So anyway, like most things perfect they are immediately flawed once given that title and yep that’s what happened to us. Even when we were a disaster we were still so perfect together but it went wrong. Like me, my ex also tends to run away from his relationships, kinda one of those cut your losses before you get in to deep and can’t find a way out things, don’t know why it happens but it does. This time however with him I decided to actually stay around and stick it out, even through our various obstacles. But in the end our relationship felt tainted and I know that sounds kinda shit but its true. And at the time for me personally it was better to not pursue anything between us, that and I just wanted something new, I was so fed up of all the shit this relationship had brought me and given me. Anyway I got over it but it got me thinking because once I was over it I was in some sense back on the market if you will. I’ve always been the girl whose never got attached or really hurt, relationships and me never really went in the same sentence but with my ex it all just made sense.
So a scary thought kinda hit me. I had the most amazing relationship with my ex, well the good. And it was everything I wanted and more, down to the point where he was like my other half, everything I wanted in someone, my perfect person and my perfect relationship. But it all went so wrong. What if that’s the best I ever get? What if no one or nothing can live up to or even compare to what we had. When you really have had the best how do you downgrade and I really don’t mean that in a harsh way but you get my point. It scares me the idea that I’ll never feel complete or content like I did then. And it scares me that there’s a possibility I will never find something great like that or as that ever again. I literally got everything I wanted when I met my ex and I literally got it all taken away. To say it was all my fault would only make this more of a tragedy but the only thing I can claim as my fault is turning down our second chance to get it right. And yet I don’t regret that choice I made. Trust me I am not perfect and in no way am I trying to give you the impression that I'm implying that I am or that I’m a saint or anything but I honestly didn’t actually do anything wrong in our time together. If I did and I’m partially responsible for his fuck up than I guess I’m ignorant.
Anyway getting back to the point of my blog is that this guy I met today, he got me thinking. I know if I were to get to know him a bit more I’d be completely hooked. I know it seems weird but I kinda feel this weird connection or something but at the same time it doesn’t feel like a connection. It's so much more worse because he’s so similar to me which means he’d get me better than anyone vice versa. Real question is though would I let him get to know me properly. Would I ever be honest with him at all times. I don’t mean specifically this guy, any guy really just relationship wise. I’m not entirely honest when it comes to my feelings. I know big shocker, who is? But it terrifies me being honest about how I feel. It scares me almost more than anything in the world. Not because I fear rejection but because I’ve always been a shielded person. I’ll let you in and you’ll be so close to me but you’ll still be an arms length away. I can’t stand the idea of opening up, laying everything bear. It terrifies me so much because I know if I let someone in they could potentially wreak havoc and hurt me in ways unimaginable.
They could break me. And I really don’t want to hurt. That’s everyone though isn’t it. No one wants to hurt but no one wants to be alone. Oh what a contradiction. I know I’m not so different to some of you, and you’ll probably be casting a thousand opinions on me. I’m too self centered, I’m a coward, this blog is stupid and pointless. I don’t really care because I’m not writing for you. I don’t really even know why I’m writing, just that I am.
I’ve been told by certain people that they envy people like me. The ones that never give their heart away. The ones that have never known the pain of love. They think we have a better idea of what a relationship should be like and how we should be. But no, I envy those who have known the pain of a relationship, because while I have never been hurt, you guys have and you have gotten the strength to get up and survive and keep on moving. I wouldn’t know how to survive and that just adds to my fear.
So here’s a glass to you guys, its not about how you fall it’s how you rise and I am still on the edge of the cliff too scared to take that leap.
No comments:
Post a Comment