Living Off Our Lies

I say it once, say it twice but it makes no difference to you,
Tears in my eyes as you apologies and I say that we're through,
You look at me, I look at you and you know that it's true,
You beg and you plead cause you know this is the end,
I cry and you lie and I take you back again,
We kiss and make up and it's just a matter of when,
I lay awake at night next to you seeing more clear,
Knowing I'm staying with you out of fear,
And I wonder how did we get from there to here,
We used to be full of love full of so much hope,
Now these days I can't seem to even cope,
I hold on to you as I try to stay afloat,
I know I should leave but instead I choose to stay,
Knowing I'd be better off if I just walk away,
But through all the black and white I can still see they grey,
Blinded by my love I always give you a second chance,
You don't deserve it, you don't even deserve a second glance,
But yet here we are again in our same old dance,
You pull and I push and you don't seem to care,
We fight and we argue as I lay my soul bare,
And then you do it over and over and I pretend that it's fair,
You walk out the door as I fall to the floor,
How did we get this way I can't even recognise us anymore,
And I just don't understand what we keep going for,
You can't even see what you've turned me into,
After everything that you have put me through,
I've lost all sight of what's even really true,
Look at the way I behave, the things to you I say,
I hate myself more and more after each passing day,
I'm so far gone you make me feel so ashamed,
And yet I still feel like it's all my fault,
Like because of me, I'm somehow responsible,
After everything I've done this is somehow reciprocal,
But I should be grateful I have you none the less,
Because when I'm with you I feel so truly blessed,
Out of every part of my life you really are the best,
It's so wrong but why does it feel so right,
I can't see past you when you're in my sight,
I'm so blinded I don't even see the knife,
You're more than aware of your power over me,
No matter how far I run you always seem to catch me,
And despite knowing this you still won't let me be free,
I know I'm self destructing the longer I stay with you,
I should leave but I just don't know how to,
I look at you and the door caught in a catch 22,
I always thought that we were in this together,
But really we're just stuck in this forever,
And I can't see this ever getting any better,
We've come so far living off our lies,
The further we go I don't think we can survive,
And in the end neither one of us will make it out alive.

Caught In A Catch 22

So I haven’t written in a long time. In the midst of things I got busy and I guess I forgot what was the point of it all. Truth be told I haven’t written anything since my last post. Not just on here but I haven’t even put pen to paper for a while. Maybe because I know that when I put pen to paper the truth always comes seeping out and even I know I’m in denial. What’s that saying, “ignorance is bliss”? In my case ignorance is just plain and simple ignorance and bliss seems so far away now. 

I spent so long trying to find myself after I had lost myself and now I’m fighting a battle if I should even keep myself. I never really knew much in life, I just sort of thought I had it all figured out or at least I will but I’m finding I’m learning new things everyday. They say people change and move on to bigger, better things but what if I change and I don’t like it? I wish I could just snap my fingers and go back to the way everything was before but even I know that’s a lie. 

Truth is I have changed and I’m not proud of it. I’ve found myself doing things I never thought I would do and going against every moral principle I believe in. Believed in, now seeming the appropriate word. I’ve always been a strong person but the realization that I’m weaker than I ever knew is crippling. And I feel as if I can’t move. There’s nothing I can do about it. Nothing I can do to change it. Nothing I can do to make it better.

 

This demotion of power has left me feeling paralysed and worse, helpless and hopeless. And there’s nothing more pathetic than that coming from the girl who thought she could take on the world. I used to be my own protection but now it seems I can’t even protect myself and the world is kicking my ass! It’s funny the advice I give to people is not always necessarily the advice I take myself. I always know the solutions to other people’s problems but can’t ever seem to solve any of my own. 

Life’s all about taking chances and risks, at least that’s what I preach but why is it now more than ever I remain in the safe zone, too afraid to move. Maybe it’s because I know if I even twitch a muscle, things could set in motion and those motions could reap permanent consequences. And once this happens, there’s no going back… but who says I want to?

THE MISSION

I never really thought my life was that interesting until I update someone else about it all and have them crying with laughter... So here goes my attempt at writing it all down. Really I just needed the motivation to write more on this blog and this is the perfect excuse to try. If I can manage this and life gets anymore interesting for me, I might make this a regular thing. We'll see...

So I have this friend, really good friend in fact, let's say for anonymity his name is Vic. So Vic recently got dumped, no nice way to phrase it but he got kicked to the curb. The break up was a complete surprise, one of those where the other person had a sudden wake up call and realised it's not the right time or they just don't want to be in this relationship anymore. Anyway, whatever the reason, it happened.

Two weeks after the break up, Vic sees newly-ex Sophie with another guy and starts jumping to conclusions. He recognises the guy as Sophie's friend who he met a few weeks back before the break up happened and instead of letting them be he decides to get his stalk on and follow them. Convinced there's something more going on between them and that 'the other guy' Sean is the reason for the break up, he spins a conspiracy theory that maybe there was something going on between them during his relationship with Sophie.

Now a normal person would have decided to confront her or just let this go but Vic... He's something else entirely. He decides on the secret agent route... I'm not kidding. So this is the mission... He wants me and our friend Jen to get close to Sean and find out all we can about him as well as what's going on between him and Sophie. Sean just happens to know some of our friends and acquaintances so it won't be difficult to bump in to him or to get an introduction. However, there's a list of people we need to avoid in order for this to work: Sophie obviously, some of our other friends that might end up blowing our cover by saying something, an obsessive ex, an 'I-want-to-be-more-than-friends' friend, a friend routing for the 'I-want-to-be-more-than-friends' friend and will destroy anyone who tries to get in the way, a jealous female, a relentless slut, the gossip and the fake friend looking to bring you down.

Apart from these, it should be a piece of cake! Who am I kidding, we are screwed!!

Before I had that drink...

I need a drink, I really do. But since I’m not in the mood to be in the company of others in preferably a bar and I’m not really the drinking alone at home type, I think I’ll stick to writing. Probably for the best anyway, I haven’t written on here in ages and what ever I am feeling will probably be heightened after a couple of drinks.

So what’s wrong with me today..? You ever been so sure of something, so certain, like nothing said or done could have convinced you otherwise. You knew in your heart of hearts that it was true, that it was right and that it was real. And then one day something happens and you stand corrected. Time passes and you begin to believe again, somehow things haven’t changed, making you question if you were wrong in the first place. You ever had to stand corrected twice?

Its funny how gullible us humans are. The most smallest hint of a doubt or certainty can set things in motion. We’re so ready and willing to believe, to follow, to be blinded and even when we’re faced with the cold hard truth we still can’t come to terms to comprehend it. To accept it. To learn from it and move on. Instead we continue to lie to ourselves, still so convinced we were right and what’s worse is that we still believe it. Still hold that hope for it even when everything tells us otherwise, shows us otherwise. We still have faith. On one hand its what makes us beautiful, but on the other its what makes us doomed.

Fuck it, I think I’ll have that drink.

KONY 2012 - IF YOU DO ANYTHING TODAY, SHARE THIS VIDEO!!

Most of us blog about our day, our lives, school, work, fashion, make up, art, music and so on.. But today, blog about something more important, more than us. Blog about KONY 2012 and spread the word! I don't have as many followers but some of you do, help make this difference. Not just on here but on your personal Facebook accounts, twitter etc. I usually don't care about these things or bother to share videos but for this I will, I hope you do too..

Coming home...

 

I’m sitting on the train at the train station, looking out at the platform and the people. The trains headed for the airport but my minds still back at my previous destination. My previous place, my previous address, my previous life. Memories replay in my mind, and I can’t shake it. We all move on by living out lives but I somehow feel like mines going to stand still.

I’m going home and as much as I welcome the thought I cant help but fell a slight feeling of dread. I love home and I need home, but its not always the place where I feel most settled. It used to but it hasn’t in a while. The people and the places I have come to love and feel the most familiar and safe with now feel the most farthest away every time I come home. The sense of security I used to have doesn’t feel as secure anymore. And my sense of direction and knowing who I am feels more lost than ever.

I always say I need to go home to get my head right but sometimes when I go home its not always the case.

I love home, I really do. But sometimes I feel more at home when I’m away, because I can be myself, when I’m home I feel like I loose myself making me question if I ever really knew who I was.

New years resolution..to open a can of worms?!

7 days too late but anyway.. New Years resolutions..? I don’t really make any because like so many others I don’t really keep them. In a perfect world I’m sure we would make big hopes and dreams for the New Year and actually work to our potential to achieve them and keep them. But things change and life doesn’t always work that way. I’m pretty sure whatever I wanted last year is no longer what I want anymore. Either I achieved it, changed my mind, or couldn’t be bothered to achieve it so I changed my mind anyway to suit my laziness. Oh well, shit happens I guess!

My friend once told me “how you start the year is what you're gonna be doing for the rest of the year", I sincerely hope that’s not true because for the most of us it’ll probably mean that we are gonna be wasted all year round. Let the good times roll!

Anyway I don’t really have any new years resolutions but this much I know, something in my life needs to change. Change in every possible way, I’ve been living the same way for too long. I’m sick of routine and absolutely bored with my life. I need some excitement and as much as I hate drama, I welcome it with open arms! However this is gonna be hard because I’m so open minded I can adapt to most situations and its gonna be hard to get me out of my comfort zone! Dare I say I need to open a can of worms?

Either way something’s gottta change!